All joking aside, I will admit that I've been a little freaked out about the idea of being a full-time mom. Those six months of being back at work reminded me of what life was like before I was completely and permanently responsible for another human being. Those eight hours each day were free and wonderful, I have to say.
So when I thought about the months and years ahead of me, I started to wonder, can I and do I really want to do this?
Today I read something that brought everything back into focus for me and helped me answer my questions with a loud and resounding YES!!!
The article is in today's Toronto Star--the story of a woman my age, a young mother of two little children, who died of cancer. She was diagnosed when her second baby was only four months old and despite months of treatment, the cancer continued to spread. She died on January 28th.
I can't even put into words how the article made me feel. It struck fear into my heart and made my stomach wrench at the thought of something like that happening to me. And it's not about me but about my baby girl and how she would lose her mama. How she'd grow up not knowing the real me - only pictures or video of a woman named "mommy".
So I read this article, looked up at Kaylin and the fog that's been around my head for the past month lifted. I realized that I was being stupid. Life is too damn short. Here's a wonderful chance that not every mother gets. This IS what I want to do. No more joking about how tough it's going to be. No more taking for granted the most fortunate opportunity life has ever handed me. Of course there will be long days, tiring days, boring days and sick days. But they will all be Kaylin days. Who knows how many I will be given.
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3 comments:
For some unknown reason, about a month before Emelia was born, I had this feeling that something was going to happen to me – that I would never meet my child. Like you, I quashed that with some quick counter-active "you're just finding it too hard to believe that this will happen" thoughts. And surely enough I was able to put those dumb worries away. Now, she's here, I have a whole new, plethora of things to make ulcers about. :)
this is heartbreaking and I think every mother's worst nightmare. As I hold Emelia on my chest, exhausted and frustrated with breastfeeding this puts things into perspective. I get to be exhausted with my baby, I get to have frustrating breastfeeding moments. Because I am alive, I am here with her.
Thanks for grounding me!!!
Give K-K a kiss on her curly hair from me!
I gotta say that this makes me want to hug my girls even more than I normally do...and that's a lot.
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